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Sunday, February 28, 2021

Hypocrisy Is OK for Me but NOT for You!

In this episode of The Crazy Comedy, Humor & Satire Podcast, Daniel D rants and raves about hypocrisy and why it's okay for him to be a hypocrite, but NOT okay for other people, like that virtue-signaling #sjw LeBron James. 

Transcript of The Crazy Comedy, Humor & Satire Podcast, Season 3 Episode 4: Hypocrisy Is OK for Me, but Not for You!

Alright, it is me, Daniel D, and this is THE one and only Crazy Comedy, Humor & Satire Podcast for Sunday, February 28, 2021. And this week, boys and girls, we will discuss hypocrisy.

Because every great public speaker starts off by quoting the definition of a word, I will start with the definition for the word “hypocrisy.” Webster’s Dictionary defines “hypocrisy” as “the state of being or acting like Lebron James.”

Okay, so some people thought I was too hard on Lebron James in my last episode, in which I talked about how he is such a vocal social justice warrior whenever it will signal his virtue to his fans AND there is ZERO economic risk to him personally. Which to me is kind of hypocritical. He calls other people out for not doing more to fight supposed injustices, but then he “stands up,” if you can call it that, only when it benefits him personally, and NEVER when it could cost him, even though he’s a multi-millionaire and such a good ball player that he COULD get away with taking an unpopular stand.

But nevermind whether my criticism of Lebron James for being a FUCKING HYPOCRITE is correct; there are some people who didn’t like that. “Hey man, why you calling out Lebron, at least he does speak out about some injustice. What do you do? Aren’t you hypocritical sometimes too?” And shit like that.

So let me start off by saying, it’s okay for me to be hypocritical. But it is not okay for other people, like Lebron James, to be hypocritical. You got that? Hypocrisy is okay for ME, but NOT for YOU!

And what is an example of my hypocrisy? Well, I’ll tell you. Sometimes, when I’m in my car, I like to blast the Smith’s album “Meat Is Murder” … in the drive-thru at McDonalds. Because I think it’s important for me to signal my virtue by the messages I share publicly, rather than what I actually do.

So I will play the album “Meat Is Murder” in my car, loudly, with the windows rolled down, blaring my message of how meat-eating is fucking IMMORAL, while ordering a burger in the drive-thru at McDonalds.

The drive-thru cashier will ask me to turn my music down because she can’t hear me, and I say, “Hell naw, I ain’t turnin this down! You are going to hear the message that MEAT IS MURDER and that you are working for a company that is MURDERING animals by the millions! And give me a quarter pounder with cheese.”

And she’ll say, “What? You said a quarter-pounder with cheese and what else?”

And I’ll say, “Fuck that, make it a DOUBLE quarter pounder with cheese. Kill two cows.”

And she’ll say, “What? I can’t hear you over your music. Can you turn it down so I can hear you?”

And I’ll say, “I ain’t turning it down! The customer is always right! I’m the goddam customer, and I want to play my music LOUD, so you can hear the message that MEAT IS MURDER. And I want a muthafucking double quarter pounder with cheese!”

And she’ll say, “What?”

And the people in line behind me will start honking and flipping me off, and I’ll turn the music up louder, so THEY can hear about how MEAT IS MURDER and they are in line at a restaurant that MURDERS COWS AND CHICKENS. And then I’ll lean out the window and scream into the speaker, “I want a half pound of murdered cow on a sandwich! Give me two patties of broiled cow carcass on a bun, with cheese made from the milk of some tortured dairy cow whose calf is going hungry, so that I can eat cheese!”

I want to make sure everyone hears my virtuous moral positions on the subject of meat eating. That’s why I SHOUT them at people and blast  the song “Meat Is Murder” at them.

And then I’ll drive around, pay my money, get my double quarter pounder with cheese, and eat it. And yeah, maybe I should feel a little guilty, because I’m contributing to factory farming and the miserable short lives of cows and chickens and their wholesale slaughter just to feed gluttonous Americans like me, but DAMMIT, at least I’m spreading the message that MEAT IS MURDER! You know what I’m saying? I mean, I am a vegan. Mostly, I’m a vegan. Between the hours of 3AM and 7AM, I am 100% committed to veganism – unless I happen to wake up hungry. But in between meals, at least, I am definitely a vegan. I’ll see one of those PETA undercover videos of what happens on factory farms and in slaughterhouses, and I’ll get sickened by the way the animals are stuffed into tiny, overcrowded cages, how they look sick and sad, and how their throats are slit and they scream and kick and slowly die in agony, and I’ll be like, THAT’S IT! I am gonna make it a point to SPEAK OUT and call other people out who participate in this industry. Right?

So I go to McDonalds and I blast the Smith’s album – great album musically by the way – “Meat Is Murder” at those evil McDonalds workers, and their evil customers. Now, true, while I’m there, I may order a sandwich, because I’m hungry and I have to eat and it’s convenient, but I DO MY PART by letting everyone else there KNOW how evil they are and how what they are doing is WRONG!

Now, some people might say, “Well, Daniel D, if you really feel that way, maybe you should stop eating meat!”

To which my reply is, “What would do more good? Me to stay away from McDonalds because I don’t eat meat, or me to GO to McDonalds and blast the message that MEAT IS MURDER to all the other people at McDonalds? Obviously, me signaling that virtuous message to the public and condemning all of them PUBLICLY, and shaming all those meat-eaters PUBLICLY, now THAT is going to have a much bigger impact and make me feel so much better about myself.”

In all seriousness, though, let me tell you about someone who is NOT a hypocrite. Let me tell you about someone who stands up for his beliefs at great personal risk, because he is determined to do the right thing, no matter how much harm it causes other people. Let me tell you about myself!

In addition to my newfound commitment to animal rights and my strict vegetarianism between meals, I have also become fiercely pro-Life. That’s right. I have decided that there is no greater evil facing America and the world than abortion. Not pandemics being botched by public health officials and governments and causing hundreds of thousands of people to die unnecessarily. NO! Not female genital mutilation, where girls have their clitorises removed in brutal and unsanitary surgeries, WITHOUT ANESTHESIA, in order to please Allah. NO! It’s abortion! Abortion is the greatest evil facing the world today, because of which, the wrath of God is upon America and the world, even as we speak.

So let me tell you how I became converted from being pro-choice to being pro-life. I was driving down the street, and the car in front of me had a bumper sticker that said, “It’s a child, not a choice.” And I said, “Holy shit! I had no idea! I thought it was a choice, not a child. I always thought those women were terminating their choices, I had no idea they were terminating the lives of real unborn children! That changes everything! They can kill choices; that’s cool. But killing children? No way!

So right then and there, I decided I had to take a stand. So I started fighting the evil of abortion in the name of Jesus. I started killing pregnant women. I figure, well, if there ain’t no pregnant women, there can’t be any abortions, right? I mean, pregnant women are the number one demographic when it comes to who is having all these abortions! So in the name of Jesus, I started shooting pregnant women. So far, by my last count, there are 1,375 less pregnant women who could have abortions, thanks to me. See? That’s taking action. That’s taking a stand! If other good people of faith will join me and shoot as many pregnant women as they can, then I think we can drop the number of abortions in America close to zero! Hallellujah!

So let me just end this weird episode of The Crazy Comedy, Humor and Satire Podcast with a public service announcement: be pro life; if we kill women whenever they get pregnant, we will quickly bring an end to abortion. Also, MEAT IS MURDER, muthafuckas!

And that brings us to the end of another great episode of The Crazy Comedy, Humor & Satire Podcast, starring the one and only Daniel D – that’s me – and this is episode 4, season 3, entitled “Hypocrisy is OK for Me, but NOT for YOU,” which is being released on Sunday, February 28, 2021. If you haven’t already done so, don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast, so you don’t miss any future craziness! Till next time, peace out, bitches!!!

#comedy #humor #humour #satire #podcast

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Saturday, February 13, 2021

Anti-Racist Slogans, Woke Pro Athletes, Valentine's Day, and Mardi Gras

Greetings and salutations bitches! In this episode, we discuss Mardi Gras debauchery, being single on Valentines Day, the effectiveness of anti-racist slogans, the wokeness of pro athletes, and more!

Transcript of The Crazy Comedy, Humor & Satire Podcast, Season 3 Episode 3: Woke Professional Athletes and Ending Racism

Hello and welcome to another episode of The Crazy Comedy, Humor & Satire Podcast, starring the one and only Daniel D – Hey, that’s me!  It is Saturday, February 13, 2021 – It’s a good thing the 13th day of the month is only really considered unlucky if it’s a Friday. So happy lucky Saturday the 13th, everyone!

This coming week we have a very important Catholic holiday that we observe in our culture: and by “Catholic holiday,” I’m not talking about Ash Wednesday or even *Saint* Valentine’s Day – I‘m talking about muthafucking Mardis Gras! Fat Tuesday, bitches! Time to party hardy and get drunk as hell and totally wasted and throw beads at drunk bitches and get them to show us their titties *before* we do penance for all our sins during Ash Wednesday and the ensuing season of Lent. Hey, if you’re going to give up meat on Fridays – lucky thing that FISH somehow does NOT count as meat, don’t really know how that works, I guess all marine animals are considered vegetables or something – but anyway, if you are going to make these sacrifices during Lent, like giving up meat on Fridays and behaving yourself and going to extra masses during the week and not partying for the 40 days and 40 nights of Lent, then you gotta spend a day just getting fucking BLASTED first, right?! And if you’re off for Presidents’ Day, you can even start your Mardis Gras celebrations early!

Speaking of Lent, you wanna know what I’m giving up this year for Lent? Christianity! [Rim Shot.] Yep, giving up Christianity for Lent this year.

And speaking of holidays, tomorrow is *Saint* Valentine’s Day. People say that Valentine’s Day is a bad time of year to be single – NO IT’S NOT!!! Valentine’s Day is a VERY good time to be single. It means you ain’t gotta worry about buying nobody NOTHIN! No roses! No chocolates! No dinners at fancy restaurants! No fake smiling and pretending to be interested in the BULLSHIT she’s talking about because you think you might get laid later! NONE OF THAT! No pressure to come up with some creative and extravagant way of showing your love for someone, so she can brag about it to all her bitchy friends! NOTHING! You know who I’m spending Valentine’s Day with? My right hand and my left hand. And you better believe, my right hand WILL know what the left hand is doing. We are gonna have us a nice menage a tois, and these two sexy bitches won’t talk my ear off, they ain’t asking me to buy them shit, when we’re done, I just roll over and go to sleep. BOOM! Cuz that’s how I do it! Like a pimp with no hoes, muthafucka! So all you guys in relationships out there, you can have all that shit! Happy Valentine’s Day, suckas!

Okay, and with that heartwarming Valentine’s Day message out of the way, what’s new in the world since the last time I talked with you guys? Well, Tom Brady showed that middle-aged white guys *can* be pretty good at sports, as he won a 7th super bowl ring, this time with a new team. He and another aging white guy, Rob Gronkowski, set the record for passing/receiving duos for touchdowns in Super Bowls. Hell yeah! Of course, as a good suburban white guy, I am going to ignore the contributions of the other players for the Buccaneers, especially on the defense. I’m just going to focus on the two middle-age white guys.

That said, I would also like to thank Tom Brady, as well as all the players and the entire NFL, for putting such important and inspiring messages on the backs of their helmets. As I watched the game, I saw the slogan “End Racism” on the back of Brady’s helmet, as well as the backs of other players helmets, and it made me realize, for the first time in my life, that racism is wrong.

I had no idea! I mean, racism? Wrong? Who knew?

It was such a profound revelation for me. I mean, I thought racism was okay! And if I had not seen that slogan on the backs of those football helmets, saying “End Racism,” I would have probably gone on thinking racism was okay.

Let me tell you about my journey into Racism as a religion and way of life. I had tried Catholicism and Buddhism and Stoicism and Gnosticism, and none of it was working, but then one day, a couple of years ago, I was sitting there on skid row, thinking of ending it all, when a couple of nice white supremacists wearing white shirts and ties rode by on their bikes. They could see the desperation in my eyes. They stopped and said they had a message of hope and inspiration and white supremacy that could change my life. They told me about how God is white … with blue eyes, Jesus is white … with blue eyes, and all the angels are white … with blue eyes, and so logically, being white is awesome, being white is a privilege, and being white means, automatically, that your life does not suck. No way! If you are white, your life is awesome! Especially if you have blue eyes, which I don’t but my skin is quite pale, especially on my chest and abdomen, so my life was like 90% awesome. Not as awesome as it would have been if I had blue eyes, but still pretty awesome.

I started attending the racist church, officially known as The Church of the White Jesus, where we would sing hymns about being white and we would burn crosses, so that when Jesus comes back, he won’t have his PTSD triggered by seeing a cross. According to these nice racists, Jesus wants us to burn all the crosses before he comes back, so that his enemies. the Jews and Liberals, can’t crucify him again. They’ll go looking for a cross to crucify Jesus when he comes back, but they won’t be able to find any, because we will have burned all the fucking crosses! It’s genius!

Anyway, being racist really gave my life meaning and purpose: just being white in this world. Bringing “white” into the darkness. Our sacraments at The Church of the White Jesus were eating mayonnaise sandwiches and drinking nice white whole milk, doing country music line dancing, chewing tobacco and spittin it into a spittoon, and listening to our leaders tell us inspiring tales of the good old days in medieval Europe, when our white ancestors lived in dirt huts and slaved away in abject serfdom and ignorance, until they died at the ripe old age of 30 from the plague. Oh, those were the days! Before all the blacks and Mexicans started reverse discriminating against us!

So I was a committed racist. I mean, I knew about the Civil Rights Act, I’ve heard the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream Speech,” and I’ve seen talented black artists and leaders do great things, but none of that could change my mind about racism! I believed the solution was to turn back the hands of time to 1400, when Europe was lily-white, when we had good family values like burning witches and torturing heretics and dying of smallpox and all that.

I thought Racism was a good and true philosophy and way of life! But thanks be to the NFL, I now know how wrong I was. “End Racism!” That message on the backs of the helmets, so simple, and yet so powerful, convinced me of something that MLK, JFK, RFK, LBJ, and other people who are known to us by their initials, were never able to convince me of. Suddenly, I saw the light! My eyes were opened! My heart was healed! “End Racism!”

So thank you, NFL, thank you so much for your woke activism, which has changed so many minds, including my own, about racism and bigotry. I always thought it was okay to be racis. Nobody had really challenged me on that before! No one had been able to change my mind, but just seeing that slogan, “End Racism,” on the backs of those helmets, by God, that’s what did it for me! Racism is wrong! Very wrong! And it must be ended!

Okay, so while we’re on the subject of racism, where is a Klansman’s favorite place to hang out? The Laundromat! Because at the laundromat, it’s okay to keep the whites separate from the other colors.

Okay, since I’m probably going to get canceled anyway for this episode, here’s another racial joke for you! What do you call a Mexican who travels to outer space? You give up? Okay, I’ll tell you, you call a Mexican who travels to outer space an astronaut, you fucking racist piece of shit!

And speaking of wokeness in professional sports, I would also like to thank the NBA for supporting its athletes whenever they speak Truth to Power, unless, of course, that power is the Chinese Communist Party. I mean, freedom of speech and end police brutality and all that, unless it’s a bunch of Kung-Flu Breathing Hong-Kong protesters, in which case, fuck them! Let those motherfuckers get beat by the police, right! Black lives matter! HongKonger lives do NOT fucking matter! Not in the least! Not when China is letting the NBA do business and make bank in their country! So the NBA showed us how wokeness is done! Take a stand! Be bold! Be brave! As long as it’s trendy! As long as it’s fashionable! As long as you can signal your superior virtue by doing it! But NOT if it is going to damage your bottom line! Here’s a good rule of thumb, which NBA players like Lebron James use to decide when to take a stand: is it going to piss off former President Trump and his supporters? Good! Do it! Is it going to piss off President Xi Jinping and his supporters? Then hell no! Don’t fucking do it! Got it?

Oh, and before I forget, happy Black History month! Now, question, does Michael Jackson’s groundbreaking career, having the biggest-selling album of all time, Thriller, becoming the undisputed King of Pop, does that count as Black History or White history? Or both? I guess Thriller would still be Black History, but what about Bad? What about Dangerous? At what point did Michael Jackson and his many achievements cease to be groundbreaking moments in Black history and instead become part of White history?

Hey, here’s a great Michael Jackson racial joke for you – since I’m already going to get canceled, I might as well go all the way, huh – doesn’t Michael Jackson prove that America really is the land of opportunity? I mean, where else can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman? [Rim Shot.]

And that brings us to the end of this very strange and incomprehensible episode of The Crazy Comedy Humor and Satire Podcast for Sunday, February 14, 2021. If you haven’t already done so, be sure to subscribe to the podcast, so you don’t miss out on any future craziness! As always, my name is Daniel D, and till next time, peace out bitches!

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Cultural Appropriation and Colonizers

This week, we discuss all you non-Irish culturally appropriating on St Patrick's Day, whether white people are actually colonizers, and ...