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Saturday, February 13, 2021

Anti-Racist Slogans, Woke Pro Athletes, Valentine's Day, and Mardi Gras


Greetings and salutations bitches! In this episode, we discuss Mardi Gras debauchery, being single on Valentines Day, the effectiveness of anti-racist slogans, the wokeness of pro athletes, and more!

Transcript of The Crazy Comedy, Humor & Satire Podcast, Season 3 Episode 3: Woke Professional Athletes and Ending Racism

Hello and welcome to another episode of The Crazy Comedy, Humor & Satire Podcast, starring the one and only Daniel D – Hey, that’s me!  It is Saturday, February 13, 2021 – It’s a good thing the 13th day of the month is only really considered unlucky if it’s a Friday. So happy lucky Saturday the 13th, everyone!

This coming week we have a very important Catholic holiday that we observe in our culture: and by “Catholic holiday,” I’m not talking about Ash Wednesday or even *Saint* Valentine’s Day – I‘m talking about muthafucking Mardis Gras! Fat Tuesday, bitches! Time to party hardy and get drunk as hell and totally wasted and throw beads at drunk bitches and get them to show us their titties *before* we do penance for all our sins during Ash Wednesday and the ensuing season of Lent. Hey, if you’re going to give up meat on Fridays – lucky thing that FISH somehow does NOT count as meat, don’t really know how that works, I guess all marine animals are considered vegetables or something – but anyway, if you are going to make these sacrifices during Lent, like giving up meat on Fridays and behaving yourself and going to extra masses during the week and not partying for the 40 days and 40 nights of Lent, then you gotta spend a day just getting fucking BLASTED first, right?! And if you’re off for Presidents’ Day, you can even start your Mardis Gras celebrations early!

Speaking of Lent, you wanna know what I’m giving up this year for Lent? Christianity! [Rim Shot.] Yep, giving up Christianity for Lent this year.

And speaking of holidays, tomorrow is *Saint* Valentine’s Day. People say that Valentine’s Day is a bad time of year to be single – NO IT’S NOT!!! Valentine’s Day is a VERY good time to be single. It means you ain’t gotta worry about buying nobody NOTHIN! No roses! No chocolates! No dinners at fancy restaurants! No fake smiling and pretending to be interested in the BULLSHIT she’s talking about because you think you might get laid later! NONE OF THAT! No pressure to come up with some creative and extravagant way of showing your love for someone, so she can brag about it to all her bitchy friends! NOTHING! You know who I’m spending Valentine’s Day with? My right hand and my left hand. And you better believe, my right hand WILL know what the left hand is doing. We are gonna have us a nice menage a tois, and these two sexy bitches won’t talk my ear off, they ain’t asking me to buy them shit, when we’re done, I just roll over and go to sleep. BOOM! Cuz that’s how I do it! Like a pimp with no hoes, muthafucka! So all you guys in relationships out there, you can have all that shit! Happy Valentine’s Day, suckas!

Okay, and with that heartwarming Valentine’s Day message out of the way, what’s new in the world since the last time I talked with you guys? Well, Tom Brady showed that middle-aged white guys *can* be pretty good at sports, as he won a 7th super bowl ring, this time with a new team. He and another aging white guy, Rob Gronkowski, set the record for passing/receiving duos for touchdowns in Super Bowls. Hell yeah! Of course, as a good suburban white guy, I am going to ignore the contributions of the other players for the Buccaneers, especially on the defense. I’m just going to focus on the two middle-age white guys.

That said, I would also like to thank Tom Brady, as well as all the players and the entire NFL, for putting such important and inspiring messages on the backs of their helmets. As I watched the game, I saw the slogan “End Racism” on the back of Brady’s helmet, as well as the backs of other players helmets, and it made me realize, for the first time in my life, that racism is wrong.

I had no idea! I mean, racism? Wrong? Who knew?

It was such a profound revelation for me. I mean, I thought racism was okay! And if I had not seen that slogan on the backs of those football helmets, saying “End Racism,” I would have probably gone on thinking racism was okay.

Let me tell you about my journey into Racism as a religion and way of life. I had tried Catholicism and Buddhism and Stoicism and Gnosticism, and none of it was working, but then one day, a couple of years ago, I was sitting there on skid row, thinking of ending it all, when a couple of nice white supremacists wearing white shirts and ties rode by on their bikes. They could see the desperation in my eyes. They stopped and said they had a message of hope and inspiration and white supremacy that could change my life. They told me about how God is white … with blue eyes, Jesus is white … with blue eyes, and all the angels are white … with blue eyes, and so logically, being white is awesome, being white is a privilege, and being white means, automatically, that your life does not suck. No way! If you are white, your life is awesome! Especially if you have blue eyes, which I don’t but my skin is quite pale, especially on my chest and abdomen, so my life was like 90% awesome. Not as awesome as it would have been if I had blue eyes, but still pretty awesome.

I started attending the racist church, officially known as The Church of the White Jesus, where we would sing hymns about being white and we would burn crosses, so that when Jesus comes back, he won’t have his PTSD triggered by seeing a cross. According to these nice racists, Jesus wants us to burn all the crosses before he comes back, so that his enemies. the Jews and Liberals, can’t crucify him again. They’ll go looking for a cross to crucify Jesus when he comes back, but they won’t be able to find any, because we will have burned all the fucking crosses! It’s genius!

Anyway, being racist really gave my life meaning and purpose: just being white in this world. Bringing “white” into the darkness. Our sacraments at The Church of the White Jesus were eating mayonnaise sandwiches and drinking nice white whole milk, doing country music line dancing, chewing tobacco and spittin it into a spittoon, and listening to our leaders tell us inspiring tales of the good old days in medieval Europe, when our white ancestors lived in dirt huts and slaved away in abject serfdom and ignorance, until they died at the ripe old age of 30 from the plague. Oh, those were the days! Before all the blacks and Mexicans started reverse discriminating against us!

So I was a committed racist. I mean, I knew about the Civil Rights Act, I’ve heard the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream Speech,” and I’ve seen talented black artists and leaders do great things, but none of that could change my mind about racism! I believed the solution was to turn back the hands of time to 1400, when Europe was lily-white, when we had good family values like burning witches and torturing heretics and dying of smallpox and all that.

I thought Racism was a good and true philosophy and way of life! But thanks be to the NFL, I now know how wrong I was. “End Racism!” That message on the backs of the helmets, so simple, and yet so powerful, convinced me of something that MLK, JFK, RFK, LBJ, and other people who are known to us by their initials, were never able to convince me of. Suddenly, I saw the light! My eyes were opened! My heart was healed! “End Racism!”

So thank you, NFL, thank you so much for your woke activism, which has changed so many minds, including my own, about racism and bigotry. I always thought it was okay to be racis. Nobody had really challenged me on that before! No one had been able to change my mind, but just seeing that slogan, “End Racism,” on the backs of those helmets, by God, that’s what did it for me! Racism is wrong! Very wrong! And it must be ended!

Okay, so while we’re on the subject of racism, where is a Klansman’s favorite place to hang out? The Laundromat! Because at the laundromat, it’s okay to keep the whites separate from the other colors.

Okay, since I’m probably going to get canceled anyway for this episode, here’s another racial joke for you! What do you call a Mexican who travels to outer space? You give up? Okay, I’ll tell you, you call a Mexican who travels to outer space an astronaut, you fucking racist piece of shit!

And speaking of wokeness in professional sports, I would also like to thank the NBA for supporting its athletes whenever they speak Truth to Power, unless, of course, that power is the Chinese Communist Party. I mean, freedom of speech and end police brutality and all that, unless it’s a bunch of Kung-Flu Breathing Hong-Kong protesters, in which case, fuck them! Let those motherfuckers get beat by the police, right! Black lives matter! HongKonger lives do NOT fucking matter! Not in the least! Not when China is letting the NBA do business and make bank in their country! So the NBA showed us how wokeness is done! Take a stand! Be bold! Be brave! As long as it’s trendy! As long as it’s fashionable! As long as you can signal your superior virtue by doing it! But NOT if it is going to damage your bottom line! Here’s a good rule of thumb, which NBA players like Lebron James use to decide when to take a stand: is it going to piss off former President Trump and his supporters? Good! Do it! Is it going to piss off President Xi Jinping and his supporters? Then hell no! Don’t fucking do it! Got it?

Oh, and before I forget, happy Black History month! Now, question, does Michael Jackson’s groundbreaking career, having the biggest-selling album of all time, Thriller, becoming the undisputed King of Pop, does that count as Black History or White history? Or both? I guess Thriller would still be Black History, but what about Bad? What about Dangerous? At what point did Michael Jackson and his many achievements cease to be groundbreaking moments in Black history and instead become part of White history?

Hey, here’s a great Michael Jackson racial joke for you – since I’m already going to get canceled, I might as well go all the way, huh – doesn’t Michael Jackson prove that America really is the land of opportunity? I mean, where else can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman? [Rim Shot.]

And that brings us to the end of this very strange and incomprehensible episode of The Crazy Comedy Humor and Satire Podcast for Sunday, February 14, 2021. If you haven’t already done so, be sure to subscribe to the podcast, so you don’t miss out on any future craziness! As always, my name is Daniel D, and till next time, peace out bitches!

If you haven't already done so, be sure to subscribe to the podcast, so you don't miss any future craziness! And check out www.CrazyComedyHumor.com, the website where all the cool people hang out!


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